Interpersonal
conflict between individuals is often inevitable. This type of conflict not
only happens between project mates, friends but also closest kin. As I am an
extrovert, I enjoy holding conversations with people. Personally, I see the
importance of active listening in every conversation. Hence, it really gets on
my nerves when the one whom I am conversing with had their attention on
something else.
For
instance, there is once when I blew my top and scolded my best friend for ignoring
me when I was speaking to him. Let’s call him A. I have known A since the start
of my university life, and he has been my lecture buddy for almost every module.
Therefore, I spent most of my time in school with him and we became very good
friends. However, as time goes by, I realized that his non-verbal actions were showing
that he was not interested in the “stories” I am telling. I felt ignored as he preferred
to play with phone and to look elsewhere than to listen to my woes. After being
ignored for several times, I snapped and raised my voice to gather his drifted
attention. At that point of time, he gave me a shocked expression and asked
what he had done wrong. I paused for awhile to gather my thoughts, and frankly
told him how I felt towards his actions. To my surprise, A told me that he was
not aware of his actions and was listening to me all the while. He also
explained that he might seemed to be ignoring me as he has very short attention
span on long conversations and he finds eye contact very awkward.
Upon
understanding the reason behind his fidgety behavior, I tried to engage him in
shorter talks and I asked for his opinion from time to time. Whereas for eye
contact, I tried not to position myself in front of him, but at an angle which
he is comfortable with. After all these adjustments, I no longer feel that I am
ignored but there were still instances where his attention would drift off to
this phone. Are there other ways to keep him focus on the conversations?
Hi Phyllis!
ReplyDeleteI think the interpersonal conflict you chose to blog about is something that a lot of us can relate to, and most of the time we commit this ‘offence’ under the pretext that we are multitasking. I think it was great of you as a friend to try and accommodate the needs of A to the best of your ability because this, if anything, will send a signal to him that you care enough about your friendship to try and work things out, and perhaps he would be more motivated to work towards keeping focused on your conversations as well.
However in response to your dilemma, perhaps you could try and integrate topics that you know will interest A amongst the other things that you want to talk to him about. In this way, he might perceive a long conversation as many shorter conversations concerning different topics and this will help with his short attention span. You could also try and use his name in sentences (e.g. “Oh my goodness A… etc. etc. etc.”) because I find that if the person is only listening to you half heartedly, mentioning their name helps them snap back to attention because they are given a verbal reminder that you are speaking to them and that they should be giving you their attention.
I hope my suggestions help! (:
Thank you Phyllis for sharing your own experience with us!
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really important topic, that many people can refer to. I have experience both to be the person that feels ignored, and also the person that can't really concentrate on the person that is talking. I think this is something that is tough for both persons. Sometimes I think that the one that is "ignoring" don't do it on purpose, sometimes you just can't focus. It can be because of personally issues or irrelevant topic of conversation.
I think it was very good of you to talk to mr A and tell him your feelings in a serious way. But in some situations I think you don't need to take the "ignorance" too serious, cause it is not necessarily to always have deep conversations. Sometimes it can be nice to just sit and chat with someone while you are looking around or using your handphone. Though, it is not accepted if you want to tell him something important.
I think Gail (the comment before mine) had some amazing suggestions. Her suggestion about integrating topics that you know will interest A is great, but I believe you should not only talk about topics he like also try to ask him more questions during your conversation. It will make the conversation more like a two way communication and at the same time it will be easier for mr A to stay more focused.
Another thing that I can suggest is to not describe everything so detailed during the story-telling, cause it will give the listener opportunity to ask you for the details he or she wants to know about. Then both parts of the conversation will feel more important!
See you in class on Friday! Take care
Sofie
Dear Phyllis,
ReplyDeletebefore I comment on your post, please note that I have changed my blog address:
http://martatextblog.wordpress.com/
Marta.
Thank you, Phyllis, for this engaging story. You paint a clear, concise picture of A and his apparent inability to get focused. You also bring the issue to a fine point with a very relevant question.
ReplyDeleteI should also add that your patience seems amazing. Not many people would have the tolerance that you show.
At the same time, there are some distractions as I read this essay in that your verb tense use is problematic. Please review it. (I think we should talk about it in class.)
1) had their attention >>> (verb tense)
2) numerous verb problems in the 2nd paragraph
3) Whereas for eye contact, I tried not to position myself in front of him, but at an angle which he is comfortable with. >>> ?
4) After all these adjustments, I no longer feel that I am ignored but there were still instances where his attention would drift off to this phone. >>>
After all these adjustments, I no longer feel that I am ignored, but there ARE still instances when A's attention drifts off to this phone.
5) keep him focus >>> keep him focused
Despite these issues, I found this to be an entertaining post, one well suited to the assignment. You've also gotten useful feedback. I appreciate the hard work!
Hi Phyllis,
ReplyDeleteThe message you are describing in your last post is very easy to picture. Firstly, you described the scene very vividly, in a clear and simple way. Secondly, we can easily relate to such situations. Daily images from Singaporean MRT honestly horrify, since the ratio of the commuters glued to their electronic devices is much higher than those, who interact with others. If it continues like that we might end up hearing the announcements: “No eating, drinking or talking is allowed on stations or in trains.’ ;) Maybe that could be a topic of our research?
Back to your text. There is no component missing- you state the problem, describe it in a specific situation and then suggest a solution. The paragraphs are also helpful. I am very impressed with some sophisticated vocabulary you used. On the other hand, it is sometimes a bit confusing when you intertwine them with informal language.
I am personally not good with using commas, but I have a feeling that there are a few missing in some of your long and complex sentences.
Otherwise, good reader!
Hi phyllis!
ReplyDeleteThe conflict that you have raised here, is one that is close to your heart and one that you really hope you can resolve. However, I would say that what you can do now, is to gradually help him to be more comfortable when having such conversations with others. It will be important that he is able to engage in conversations with people when he starts working! Playing with phone/not showing interest in the conversation could put him in an unfavourable position in future.
It would be good if you could tell him that you want to help him overcome this problem! and then slowly and gradually engage eye contact with him over conversations. what other better way to overcome such a problem then with a close friend? :)
Anyway, I think you stated the problem really well, and how you have attempted to resolve it. I wish your friend all the best, and hope that he will overcome this problem soon! :)
Hi Phyllis,
ReplyDeleteI certainly agree that Hong Kong has a different culture as compared to Singapore in terms of their dining practises. I was in Hong Kong two years back with my mum and my sister. All of us had the same confusion as you when we entered into an eatery located just right outside my hotel. My mum and I stared at each other blankly when the waitress served us three cups of tea. At first, we all thought that it was merely for consumption. However, my mum insisted that we should not drink the tea as there was excessive amount of tea sediments inside the cups. The next thought that crossed my mind was to use the tea to sanitize our utensils. To confirm my deduction, I observed my surroundings and I got my answer.
Culture is something that can be adapted and learnt from. The process of learning more about a foreign culture always intrigues me. Whenever I travel overseas, I always observe the locals way of living, and all the different cultural aspects that can range from food, etiquettes, non-verbal behaviour etc.
Thanks for the really interesting and relatable post
Sharlene.
P.S. Sorry for this latereply. I didn’t realise that I did not upload my reply successfully few weeks ago.